Also when I say relationship- I mean any and all relationships, not only romantic ones. If I mean romantic ones in the article, I state so.

One of the worst relationships people have, is the relationship they have with relationships.

Meaning we live under the impression that, even though everything in human life is challenging, relationships should magically be something that makes us only feel good or there is something wrong.

Now by challenging, I don’t mean bad or hard. I love challenges, so for me they are the opposite of bad.

To think relationships should be the area of life void of challenges is the stupidest thing we have ever come up with.

Even Hollywood is not selling us on that idea. True, they are selling us on an idea of an impossibly dysfunctional version of romantic love, but even they know that a third act conflict can not be avoided.

Now, this is not me saying that this makes the portrayal less dysfunctional. I’m just pointing out that, even though the choice of writing in the third act conflict is meant to spike your feel-good hormones and make you think that what you saw was better than it really was, they still know to portray the challenge of being in a romantic relationship (or any relationship for that matter).

The problem we have in mainstream society is that we live in a world that is very very very poorly designed for wellbeing. Especially social wellbeing. Our relationships is a disaster from birth on. We don’t have a big enough of a support system in a form of a close-knit community, we don’t know how to develop deep intimate relationships, we are afraid of feelings and emotions, we are taught to be individually focused and believe in scarcity. We are fucked from the get-go, and not in the good way.

So often when I listen to what people desire out of relationships I want to sit in a corner screaming and pulling out my hair, cause that would feel less crazy than what I’m hearing. People are so delusional, it’s really fucking scary.

The sad thing is, they are not the problem for thinking and desiring those things. The problem is that what they desire makes absolute sense. They literally want that, because they have grown up and live in such a dysfunctional environment that it makes absolute sense for them to desire a relief in the form of a partner that would only soothe their system. The only problem is that they are not realising that a partner is a complex human being with their own intricate life, wounds, backstory, triggers, quirks, kinks, annoyances, weaknesses…

I see why AI-SO (AI Significant Other) is going to be the preferred partner in the future- especially soon when they will have a very human like body with the ability to behave in a human like way. At the moment, the sex doll industry is already booming with inbuilt AI mode. Yet the doll still needs assistance from the owner, so we’re not fully there yet. I’ll give it like 5 years tops until we will see robots that will be a perfect AI-SO material and we will make meeting human partners obsolete for those who want to rule out complexity of humanness.

Is it good or bad, I’m not here to judge. Probably it’s going to be seen as good by those who in fact are longing for the relief that could come from a 100% controllable and comfort inducing “relationship”.

Here is a movie recommendation on this exact topic, from a pre AI era tho.

I have made a decision for myself that I am choosing complexity. Not because I’m anti-robot or because I think it’s morally correct. I just have come to love myself to a degree where I would much rather see everything that I contain, than to have the desire to shut some parts of myself off.

This is the reason why I also want to include the wholeness of others into my life and embrace the constant friction that inevitably comes with it. I love and consider it beautiful how relationships are a challenge in and of themselves and they allow me to become masterful in them. In the same way as one might enjoy going through the challenge of becoming a better artist, or an athlete or a teacher or whatever else they enjoy. I enjoy the challenge of becoming a better relationshipper.

I’ve also decided to not alter my body chemistry or appearance with surgery or pharmaceuticals. Not because they are bad or wrong, but because I choose to live as a fully turned on human animal. It is not always the easiest choice, because I didn’t win a perfect human lottery, but I’m now just fascinated by the prospect of rawdogging my way through life and seeing what I’ll learn. I guess I’m in love with human existence enough to want to see it through.

It seems like we are going to need to make a collective decision very soon. Are we going to commit to being human, which means falling in love with ourselves and the challenge, or are we going to go into the direction of chasing relief as a lifestyle choice…

What is your choice going to be?

*I did zero research for this article, I just stream of consciousness-ed it out of myself. I know nothing, don’t come for me with your factchecking.

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Don’t think of this as me lecturing you, rather think of it as me reminding myself of my values again and why they are important to me. So here we go:

First of all, I don’t think that people are morally obliged to make “good” or “right” choices. The thing is that everybody can do whatever the fuck they want. Even if a lot, or most, or even all people disagree with their choices- everybody is free to choose their life.

What’s “good” to one culture, religion, or era can be “evil” to another. If morality isn’t absolute, then nobody’s strictly obliged to obey someone else’s moral playbook. Even if the whole planet disagrees with you, you can still choose. Consequences will follow, but the freedom itself remains.

“Three Natural Laws” that are widely repeated teaching in many Indigenous circles state:

1. You can do whatever you want.
* Absolute personal freedom. Nobody owns you.
* No divine referee is going to tackle you for breaking a “rule.”

2. Everything you do has a consequence.
* Actions ripple out: physically, emotionally, socially, spiritually.
* You’re not free from the consequences, just free to make the choice.

3. You are responsible for those consequences.
* If you burn a bridge, that’s your fire to tend.
* If your action brings beauty or healing, that’s yours too.

Now, I’ve never ventured into any religions- I’m aware of many of them, know just a tiny bit of the most popular ones, but I’m in no position to talk from this stand point. I’m only familiar with natural law which comes from a place of freedom and self-responsibility. So maybe if you know religions you will be able to counter everything I’ve just expressed. So already, I’m clearly stating that I’m not talking about ultimate truth, I’m talking about what fits into my system of understanding life.

You can see from the philosophy I hold that the reason I make my choices come down most to me taking care of myself- it’s knowing that every action I make will bare consequences for me, so it is important for me to choose the best consequences for myself. This comes from my selfish desire to take care of my wellbeing.

As a consequence to that, my choices also serve other people, beings and Earth, but that is not where my drive comes from, even though it would make it more palatable if I expressed that. I’m sure, it would grant me much more likability if I just said I’m making my choices because I’m a kind, compassionate, loving, sensitive individual. But truthfully it’s just about me, and I want to dismantle the myth of altruism.

Taylor Swift, our modern day philosopher, put it well in Anti Hero:

“Did you hear my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism, like some kind of congressman?”

Since most people have such a bad relationship with selfishness, I’ve heard a lot of interesting judgements sent my way. I get quickly boxed in as a character who lacks empathy and doesn’t care about others, and I’m actually not interested in changing peoples mind around that- what if I actually do lack empathy and don’t care about others? Do I now deserve less empathy and care from you? Was your empathy and care always just transactional and dependant on if I give to you what you give to me?

I have an article about the ways being selfish makes the world a better place. You can check it out here.

Why am I vegan? (labels oh so unimportant, but I’m talking here about a concept and I need to use something to ground what I’m trying to get across).

Because I can’t think of or imagine killing an animal and contributing to an animal suffering. It brings me feelings of deep sadness and despair and I don’t want to contribute to creating more of those feelings in my life. When I enter a supermarket and can’t make my way avoiding the meat section, I feel contracted, sad, hopeless, powerless and angry. I don’t want to create more of those feelings in my system if i can avoid it.

I also know that if I contribute to investing in killing animals, I contribute to normalising killing all animals- also human animals. And I might be the next human animal being killed. I’m not against my death, but I’m not fond of the idea of someone killing me without my consent. Again, I don’t want to feel the feelings that come with being overpowered and somebody making choices for me.

Meat and dairy industry are extremely cruel to female bodied animals. You can research it on your own, but just as a small example:

• first a baby female cow (lets call her Carla) is taken away from her mother because the mother gave birth to her only in order to produce milk for human consumption. Carlas brothers are grown a bit and then killed and sold off as veal.

• Carla grows up to become a milk cow just like her mom. When she is grown, she gets forcefully impregnated- also known as raped.

• Carla then goes through pregnancy and after she gives birth to her babies, they are taken away from her, the way Carla and her brothers were taken away from their mother.

• Carla is then milked daily, her milk essentially stolen from her and her kids, in order to satisfy human tastebuds.

• Carla and all other industry animals live enslaved by humans with no autonomy or free will.

If something like this will ever happen to me, by say aliens, I will know why and how I contributed to co-creating this reality. What goes around, comes around. I don’t feel like I will have any way of seeing myself as a victim in this scenario, because I’ve done the same to other animals by complicity.

In a universe where there is no real right or wrong and everybody can do what they want, there is nothing wrong with this. But I personally, because of being selfishly interested in my wellbeing, don’t want to perpetuate this abuse, as I am suffering from it, and I’m not a fan of suffering.

Even though I experience life as being loving, I don’t hold an idea of love as something fluffy, positive and feel-good. Karma is also a form of love- to know and experience the effects of something we’ve caused, is to know ourselves more deeply. To know is to love. To love is to know.

And this — this is me trying to know what I’m a part of, so I can love.

Why am I an environmentalist? (again, not a fan of labels, but this is what our limited language and understanding of things provides now)

In 2017 I was cleaning a bathtub with a generic cleaning product. Suddenly I felt a pang of guilt. I asked myself, why am I feeling guilt? An answer came up that opened a completely new paradigm for me: “Because I’m hurting the Earth”. I asked myself how am I hurting the Earth? The answer was that I’m sending chemicals down a water system that hurt living beings and the ecosystem.

From that day forward I went on a deep dive into learning what to use instead and how to clean my spaces and myself in a different way- in a way that doesn’t cause strain to the environment. Again, one could think, it’s because I’m a very caring person, but I find it more true that I want to feel better, so I’m making choices that make me feel good.

I researched everything I could to make all the changes I could think of in my lifestyle, so that I would eliminate unnecessary strain on the environment. That brought me to meeting many many people working on topics of environmental health. I learned a lot from activists and permaculture gardeners and repairers and transition towns movement organisers and ecocommunities. I’m still learning all the time, but as much as I know how to, I’m trying to make the best choices- again, because I’m the one suffering the consequences. It’s not so much about the environment itself, it’s about me needing to live inside of the environment and as environment and me are the same, I’m just taking care of myself. No morality- just me wanting good conditions for myself.

Spirituality is something that just exists for me. I can’t explain it and I can’t convince someone of any parts of it. If non of the things I experience as spiritual are actually the truth, I’m fine with that, cause my spirituality is not about dogmas and morals or about becoming a better person. My spirituality is about the things that help me unravel my life in a way that feels more downstream- more easeful, more allowing.

Do I care about love and doing good onto others and unity? I don’t care, I experience it like that- love, doing good and unity are a given. This is where my actions stem from naturally when I’m aligned. I don’t need to do good, I am good when I’m in a natural state of being. Just like animals- they just are, they just do their part in the ecosystem, they don’t need to love, do good or care about unity, these things just are.

I think we humans complicate things a lot with all of our concepts and philosophy and obviously cultural programming. But life could be so so much simpler. If we would move out of our heads and move in to our bodies. Relearned to listen to the most subtle cues that enter our system and start following them. This way we would relax into life and it’s experiences, end our (and others) suffering and also get rid of all of the painful addictions and compulsions we engage in.

For me the deepest spirituality stems from re-wilding myself. It is a very simple spiritual teaching- it just asks you to do all you can at any given moment to learn to tune into your internal guidance system and listen to it. The more you tune in, the more you hear. The more you follow it, the more you start trusting that following it is safe. The more you listen to your internal guidance system and follow it, the less you are dependant on somebody else’s idea of who you should be and how you should live your life. Spirituality in my opinion should heal, liberate and connect us, not make us feel guilty and need to become something other than what we are.

This article was not thought through much, I just wanted to put down these thoughts in kind of a raw way. I feel these are too deep of topics and I haven’t done justice to any of them, but I’ve opened a crack into how I feel about these things and I hope you’ll engage in a conversation with me about how it made you feel, what thoughts surfaced and what you do and don’t agree with. Looking forward to hearing from you.

If you feel you’re getting value from the content and would like to support my journey, you can become a free or paid subscriber or make a contribution via buymeacoffee. May your gift come back to you tenfold!

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Of course anyone can become a paid subscriber, but I know it’s an extra step that will hopefully be made only by well-meaning kind individuals.

This year has been taking me down the path of healing my wounds around the masculine. Well, it actually started years before, but this year it has become a very clear and concentrated topic.

I assume the reason might be that I've arrived to a very good place when it comes to the topics of women- mother, sisters, feminine.

It has prepared me to really start tackling the pain that lives in me that has to do with the masculine, or to be more precise- human males. Although of course whatever pains me in human males is what pains me in all expressions of the masculine energy- including systems and structures.

An important realisations that revealed itself to me this winter was that I have a lot of disappointment and grief over the fact that the people I wanted to protect me from the harms of the world were the people I needed to protect myself from. My parents, but here, let's concentrate on my father- was the one causing me pain and there was no one protecting me from him.

I feel it's important to remind that I'm not blaming my parents for anything. They did the best they knew and they were also traumatised unhealed babies. I'm describing my trauma and the effects of it on my life, not telling you how bad my parents were. The fact that I'm alive and functioning and living a life according to my desires seems to be a pretty good proof that what occurred served me. Yet, it is also true that it created copious amounts of haywire connections inside of me that need untangling. Remember- healing is not about announcing something bad, but working on repairing what was ruptured. You could say I'm in a healed enough state that this feels true now (though it didn't used to and that was also a valid state to be in).

Disclaimers out of the way, I want to first describe how I felt around and towards my father.

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For most of my adult life (heck, even adolescence) I was the together type in all ways possible. I would be controlled, measured (in most cases), direct, with an “I’ll do it myself” attitude. There were places of flow that I would create, but they were not the healthiest ones. I believe many people use drugs and alcohol to balance out the tension and control they hold in their body all the time. At least this is true for me. But even then, I would still never be the sloppy drunk falling asleep on a bench in a bar. I would be wasted beyond measure and often people could not even tell I was drunk. I’m honestly not proud of that fact, it rather makes me sad how much I was afraid to let go.

For the past years, my aim has been to free myself from limiting beliefs and patterns that keep me from living in the flow. For that I need to work through a lot of layers of shame, guilt and fear. Everything that stands in the way of me just naturally following what wants to flow through me, is surfacing in order to be transformed.

Today, I would say I’m much more a person that allows themself to live according to the inner guidance system, but there is still a way to go.

Some shameful and fearful beliefs that were (and sometimes still are) holding me back were:

• people will humiliate me for being the way I am and it will cause me suffering and alienation

• I will never achieve anything and that will be embarrassing in comparison to others

• people will see me as someone who doesn’t have value, or even worse, someone who is extracting value at the expense of others wellbeing

• I am or will become a lowlife

• Even those who choose me as their friend will be angry at my life choices and I will be constantly criticised and judged

When I look at those- they all are about possibly ending up alone or under attack. The scariest things a human could imagine due to our biological needs of first and foremost belonging.

It pains me that in our society you need to conform, loose touch with yourself and your nature, and become something other than what you are in order to belong. Is that even belonging? Do we actually belong if we constantly feel as though our belonging might be taken away from us?

I watched Materialists- a movie- a few days ago. It was a boring movie if you ask me, but I was doing research. I wanted to see how and why they choose to portray dating culture the way they did. Spoilers ahead.

One of the things that stood out to me the most was how absolutely terribly blatantly boring and bland was Harrys apartment. I think I have never felt so fucking bored by anything in my life, honestly. It was the worst. Obviously it was a measured choice by filmmakers, to really bring home how different these two characters, Harry and Lucy, are and how they just don’t match. He is nice, boring, effortlessly rich, no personality needed. She is someone who would create drama in the middle of the street and crash a wedding wearing sneakers.

The solution was to have Lucy end up with another creative soul, which for her sake, I feel is a good choice. But the thing I was sad about was that Harry will probably be left with an equally boring type whose life is measured. They will both live a measured clean boring life and never fight on the street. And then slowly and safely arrive at death. Did they ever even live?

My interpretation is that Lucy, in order to avoid the pain of being poor, was trying to conform by dating Harry. But she very quickly realised that she is really not interested in measured decisions, that she would much rather follow her eros and allow her internal guidance system to lead the way. Not only did she give up a possibility of a comfortable rich life with Harry, and chose to continue a relationship with an artistic chaotic John, but she also was ready to hand in a letter of resignation and give up a successful career.

I will decide that Lucy chose freedom and readiness to accept life in it’s full magic- willing to be lead to surprising and fulfilling paths.

Like Lucy, many years ago, I decided also to jump into the unknown and start unraveling the world beyond what I knew. The beginning was absolutely excruciating. I realised that most of the value and confidence I had, was dependant of how I was seen by others- in particular it had to do with work, money, relationships and appearance. Nothing surprising here.

I’ve never fully lived a boring life, but I was not doing even 10% of what I do now. I don’t regret anything in life, but when I look back now I feel just sad that my 20s were spent trying to do what I thought I wanted, because I was told that this is what one should want. And because I was disconnected from and ashamed of my real nature and desires.

I’d love it if I could inspire people younger than me to not waste time doing “what they should” and go for what they want right away. And if they discover that what they wanted, they don’t want anymore, that is great!. Now they know and can choose to go for the next thing.

When people ask me how I live my life, what I do, how do I make it happen, I’m always giving them an answer that sounds as though I don’t want to answer, but actually I’m telling the truth. “I have no clue how I do it, but somehow it comes together.” Sometimes I add: “I can’t tell you, but if you want, you can come with me and I’ll show you.”

Does it sometimes feel very challenging and I get tired of it?

Often!

Do I want to change it?

Not yet!

Any choice will come with challenges- it’s really all about choosing the challenge we are willing to accept in exchange for the type of life that we want.

When I came across this article, I recognised how I’ve created this exact type of life- an erotic life that is all about following the pull of life force energy, no matter how wild it might seem to others or even myself. It hasn’t failed me once. The only thing that has ever failed me (if that is even possible), has been my fear of following this pull.

I’ll make an attempt at describing some ways in which I live in the flow to give ideas to ponder, and I’ll add my main internal challenges that have been installed in me against them:

• I’m a bleeding woman and my body and my brain work differently throughout my cycle. I can’t and don’t want to expect myself to do the same tasks throughout a month. I allow myself to follow this part of my internal guidance system. I feel it’s quite cruel that this is not a common practise for women in workplaces. If I’m the irresponsible one, so be it, I’m fine with that.
  My biggest challenge here is the discomfort of being seen as someone who makes excuses and is high maintenance.

• I don’t always do tasks the moment they appear, I feel into it and see if it’s for now or for later. If it doesn’t come naturally now, I make a note of needing to do it, and then I wait until I feel that doing it is inevitable. Some might think this is procrastination. Maybe it is, but as my life is not about speed, I don’t really care.
  My biggest challenge here is sitting with the voices in me saying I should do things all the time.

• I generally wait until I feel a yes in my body before I do anything. Not 100%, but as much as I possibly can. Whatever I feel a no towards, I don’t do. Whatever is a maybe I allow to be, until it becomes a yes or a no, or I dip my toe in and see what happens.
  My biggest challenge here is being seen as selfish and possibly loosing connection.

• Whatever I have I give to anyone who needs it. If I get something in return, I’m very glad to receive, but I don’t make my giving dependant on if or how much I can get for it. Obviously this is with boundaries- if I’m depleted I have nothing to give and I don’t. But when I have, I give and it feels good to not make giving dependant on anything other than my desire to give.
  My biggest challenge here is that I live most of the time with very little or even no money and it makes getting my material needs met more complicated than it would be with money.

• I flow with what is alive in me and go towards what I feel pulled towards. I follow joy, spontaneity, desire, feeling of freedom.
  My biggest challenge here is that often it feels lonely and frustrating because most people are limiting such free flow in themselves and I can’t expect people to journey with me.

• I’m ready and willing to face any and all challenges standing in the way of the life I want to live.
  My biggest challenge here is the frustration I have with the fact that most people don’t do that, because I perceive it as standing in the way of living the life I want to live. For example I’m willing to live the absolute simplest life ever to help the Earth come back to balance, but me doing it is not enough.

• I don’t make up my mind about things. I let everything rest in the unknown as much as possible. In one situation one thing feels true and in another similar situation the truth might be different.

  My biggest challenge here is that people often times don’t like to accept the uncertainty and they might loose trust in me because I can’t be held to one solid viewpoint. Sometimes I’m asked to make up a solid stance on something in order to put me into a category and I refuse to do so.

• I don’t usually stress about things if they don’t go the way I though they should, because I trust that a better way is being revealed.
  My biggest challenge here is that I don’t always trust this, even if my life has always proven that not getting my way, always leads to a better thing, than what I had planned.

It’s important to note that I’m not thinking this should be everybody’s path. Or rather, I don’t think the full version of how I do it is for everyone. I do believe that most people would be served by allowing themselves the freedom of following their internal guidance system, even if it contradicts their idea of how their life should look like.

I' don’t think I have an answer to how humans should live, I would rather desire for people to start finding out how they personally would like to live, if they didn’t need to impress anyone. If they felt completely free to choose the life they want. Even if the idea of what they want creates a lot of fear and shame in them.

It sort of feels like I’m becoming more and more child-like again. And then the fear of being perceived as immature comes in and tries to lure me into compliance. And I ponder- what is really so wrong about being immature?

In the sense of what is expected of me by society’s standards, I’m very far from having my shit together. But since this is not what I strive for in life, it’s not bothering me. And if at one point, for whatever reason, I will feel an authentic pull towards living a boring put together life, I will follow that with as much passion as I’m following my path now.

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This is a vulnerable thing- to share something that the culture and society I’ve grown up in deems shameful. So please, proceed reading only if you feel like you have an ability to stay open-minded and open-hearted. Thank you!

I’ll also add that this is by far not the first time I’m working with an aspect that has this topic, but I had just hit yet another layer of this particular issue.

I woke up and one of the first things I started feeling was some kind of unclear discomfort in my body. I decided to meditate by just observing the discomfort and feeling the sensations. Soon more clarity arose in a form of judgements. I realised I was dealing with feelings of unfairness and then stuckness that arose from it. I stayed with these feelings until what was revealed underneath, was powerlessness.

I gave presence to this experience for a while until I felt I could start engaging with the aspect that had came up. I got to figuring out that this aspect came up to let me know that it wants and even needs to be provided for, and it expressed how much grief it is experiencing from not having this desire/need fully met in my life. I encouraged this part of me to share as much as it wanted and I was just giving it space to express.

While having this conversation I realised that this aspect is not just coming from my experience. I started seeing many flashes of images from a lot of different times and people in my lineage who were in different situations where they were at the mercy of someone who wasn’t meeting their need of having their basics covered. Due to a lot of different reasons, from personal to societal- situations in war, famine, having an umbilical chord being cut before being ready etc.

These “memories” flooded my mind and I was just observing all of them. Then I realised there were many aspects stuck in different places and I asked them all to come forward. There were around 200 aspects that came up (not only from my personal life, but also from my ancestors).

I went through more steps until I felt integrated in this process, but I won’t describe it all. I guess it’s like hearing someones dream- to them it’s profound, to those not having been there, not so much.

Through this work I clearly saw that there will be a lot more work done on different aspects of this topic, but for this time it came to it’s natural conclusion. So what I learned for myself from this experience is:

1. I want to get this desire / need (I call it both, because it is both- there is an aspect of desire there and there is an aspect of a need there, there is also an aspect of feeling lack and that’s a whole another topic) met in all ways possible. I want to find people, places and circumstances where I could feel that I’m being provided for. Perfectly, especially when it comes to people, I would like them to have a very active desire to provide for me. Not just that they can do it and so they do, but that this is part of their desire- providing for someone fills their cup.

   When it comes to places and circumstances, it’s fine also if they are just this way. For example an apple tree growing by the side of the road feels for me like being provided for by nature and I don’t need to have this feeling as though nature is filling it’s own cup by meeting my needs.
   I’ll explain what is the reason here- You see, some people have a tendency of doing things for others that they don’t want to do, and then hold them accountable for the fact that they decided to do something they didn’t want to do. So to avoid this whole thing with people, I want to know that the people who choose to provide for me, have a desire to do so because they enjoy it, in order to for me to really fully be able to receive in a healing way.

2. I have many aspects in me very capable of providing for others in some areas, and not in others. I have parts in me in need for being provided in some areas, and not others. For example I feel confident resourcing for understanding and being seen and heard. This is also something I can easily provide to others- I don’t care if we agree or not, if a person would express a desire to be seen, heard, understood by me, I could and would (most likely) want to do that in a blink of an eye.

   The thing on the other hand that I don’t feel like I can provide is exclusivity or hierarchical prioritisation of someone. I am a very loyal person if I’m being treated with respect, and I love the people I love. I live for my relationships, but I can’t see one relationship (for example family) as more important than another relationship. I might spend different amounts of time and energy on different relationships, I can meet peoples different needs and sometimes focus my energy on someone more because they need it, but I can’t see any one person as more significant. To me, all the people I love are on the same level. And actually even the people I don’t know or love are equal to me as the ones I do know and love. Again, with common sense we understand that we humans come through more in relationships where bond is stronger that others, but I’m talking more philosophically.

3. There is definitely a desire in me to be provided for materially- doesn’t even need to be money per se, although that I also desire. It’s rather about the safety of knowing that I have all my basic material survival needs met- food, shelter, protection, and nothing is expected of me other than being myself for that. To a degree this is a developmental trauma in my case and as far as I know, the only way to heal it is by actually getting the experience of that- being provided for in real time in real life. I can meditate as much as I want on these topics, but ultimately this is relational trauma, that needs to be healed in a relational situation. So this is one of my next healing journeys- to find my way towards this experience. I have absolutely no idea how to do it, but that’s not going to stop me from going for what I want and need. The closest to that, which I know, is being in nature during a warm season, preferably next to a fruit tree.

4. I alluded to that before, but I realise that I feel as though nature is what I have the most amount of trust in. And I could see myself figuring everything out in nature. I guess the problem that I run into is that in order to live in nature, you technically need to own a part of nature as your own land. This is the most heartbreaking thing to the wild nature being that I am (and I’m sure to any other human animal), that we have to earn our right to exist on planet Earth which we are an inseparable part of. That we can’t freely roam and live where-ever we desire. I have loads of grief over this.
   And again, I know that I am allowed to live in whatever way I want, we all have free will, but if I make this choice on my own in this day and age, I will suffer consequences if I don’t comply with the systems in place. This is why most people conform, because we don’t even know that there is another way. That we could actually say that we don’t agree with how things are at the moment, and that we want to co-create a better way that would take everybody’s best interest into account- all humans, all beings, Earth, space…everything.
   I would say there is definitely a part in this desire that has to do with wanting to basically be my animal self- desiring for freedom to exist as a free biological being, part of the bigger ecological system. Like any other animal and bird that doesn’t have to go to work, pay taxes, apply for a visa in a passport and belong to a piece of land.

5. Usually we see it like that- we can either find a comfortable and enjoyable enough work in the current money system and get all our needs met this way, or the other choice is doing a lot of hard work in the garden, on our off-grid home etc to provide for ourselves. I think these are not the only two choices- they are if we think in the same terms as we are living now. But if we sat down again by the drawing board, we could co-create a completely different picture for ourselves and our lives. One of the most important part would be re-establishing healthy attachment, close knit pack feeling, connection, interdependence, relational stability etc. That would lead to not only an easier life because figuring things out and doing them together is easier, but also because a lot of the things we feel we need nowadays would seize to interest us. If our relational needs were met, we would be happy with less and more simple food (no need to eat away the loneliness or lack of self-worth), no need to feed many different addictions. If we feel loved and accepted as we are- why invest in most things people only need in order to achieve a state of worthiness. We would live differently, we would dress differently, we would interact differently, we would raise kids differently, we would be healthier. To me, the solution has always seemed so easy- let’s just sit down and look at what is really the truth behind all of our arguments and disagreements, let’s hear eachother and lets commit to figuring out the stuff in ourselves that don’t serve us or others, and lets see what we need to start with, in order to dig ourselves out of the hole we’ve gotten ourselves into. Why is this not common sense?

6. Even though I understand that the ultra rich are just a reflection of the aspects in us that feel an extreme and insatiable feeling of lack, we should still have maturity to say- hey, we get you, we can help you heal, but hoarding like that and deciding for a dystopian future for all of Earths beings is not okay. We don’t agree and we demand for you to sit down with us at a sharing circle to get things sorted out.
   If this is a stretch too far, I’ll put a different image in your head that borrows from what we are familiar with. Imagine a parliament consisting of a lot of different members from a lot of different backgrounds chosen by people who know them and really trust them, because they know them- they are part of the same community. And these people come together quite often, because they feel the desire and energy to invest in peoples wellbeing, they like having the pressure of making sure to really take care of everybody. They have that innate leadership quality and energy in them. And they come together around a fire in a circle, in nature, to discuss how to make things work so that everybody and everything benefits. They start with a sharing circle, they talk about how they have been doing, what’s on their heart, what challenges them and what brings them joy, the allow the circle to see and hold them. After that, they go into the topics of the day and diligently work to find out how to create a win-win plan that they could start implementing, tweaking if need be. And then, one of them would naturally pick up a guitar and another one a drum and some of them would join with some shakers and they would flow into a few songs- songs of prayer, of gratitude, of love, of connection. Can you see this version of a parliament?

7. I’ve realised in my life that I’ve been shamed so much for my different needs and desires, that I buried it all under so many layers of coping mechanism, but what no one told me, was that these needs and desires are natural. There is absolutely nothing shameful about being a human with human needs and desires. And I realised that I need to, despite my fear of being shamed again, talk about it. To remind others that it’s possible that they also have aspects similar to mine in them, and that there is nothing shameful about them. That our job is to stop shaming and shoulding ourselves immediately, if not sooner, and pay attention. There might be something that can be a seed for a new culture, that is hidden there. I encourage you to muster up courage to venture into these places. We can even go there together- it’s easier to be brave together.

I want to be a part of co-creating a better world for all of us. This means I need to dismantle everything keeping me stuck in the matrix that I was born into. It is uncomfortable to question everything all the time and say things that are taboo. Most of the time, being on this path that doesn’t have a map and I don’t get too many people eager to support it, I feel very challenged. But I see a possible future that could be better for all of us and I can’t not try to do steps towards it, even when I’m being told I’m stupid, crazy, lazy, naive, shameful, immature.

If you saw a possibility of a much better and more beautiful future, wouldn’t you also want it and try to do everything in your power to walk towards it?

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So I was pondering that and then I thought about a post I read by someone, claiming they have a hard time finding a partner. I realised that if I was thinking in limited terms of what is and should be a life partner- I would also have a hard time. Maybe I would even deem some of my life partners not suitable, because they are not meeting all my needs and checking all points (I don’t think like that, I’m just painting a picture, I would never assume my partner(s) should meet all my needs and check any fucking list of points).

For myself, I have chosen to go for having multiple partners. Now I need to clarify that having multiple life partners has nothing to do with romance, sex or attraction. At this point, it so happens that all of my life partners are (again I hate the labels, but they help in some contexts) platonic friends with whom we have made a commitment to be one-anothers life partners. To be there for one-another, to support eachother, to help eachother grow and heal, to reach out to when in any need, to live and co-create together when possible. We don’t share our livelihoods with eachother all the time, but we do at times.

Like in any other partnership- the people in it make their own set of agreements that work for them. Some people agree on sharing everything they have with eachother and live together, some prefer having their own places and their own wallets for example, some are open to multiple partners and others not. And there are many more different ways how people build their partnerships and what they agree on.

There are people in my life with whom I have a very close and loving relationship with whom we have not made an agreement of being life partners, but to a degree I could say we still treat eachother in this way. And then there are some others with whom we have clearly talked about it and made a desicion together to be eachothers life partners.

I’m predicting I will have many many more life partners come my way throughout my life and some relationships might shift at some point. This is a normal expectation and it’s not making me freak out, cause I don’t solely depend on one person giving me the feeling of secure attachment. I have many people with whom I have a deep attached loving caring relationship. There is always room for more (well, maybe not always, probably it would be hard to have like a hundred of life partners).

As human animals we are designed to live in packs of people we have known since we were born and have just some new members come in during our lifetime. This is the basis of safety, security, trust, belonging, commitment, attachment and other things that we need for healthy existence as the species we are. It’s not about liking spending time with people or not, it’s about feeling that you have a community holding you, it’s about feeling that you do life together with many people. Even if you are the type of person who actually enjoys more to spend time alone on a rock near the river reading a book. But even as that person, your mental, emotional and physical health require you to know that you have a “pack” a few hundred meters away and if any hardship would come your way, you would have people who would catch you if you fell.

You are an individual, nothing can take that away from you. As an incarnated human, you can already experience yourself as an individual point of perspective. No matter what you do or don’t do, what you are or are not part of, that is something that is unchangeable- you are an individual. There is absolutely no need to become an individual, if you already are one.

This though doesn’t mean you are independent or that you should be independent or that you even could be. In an interdependent experience that we are having here in Earth-Restaurant, you can not opt into an experience that is not on the menu. It’s like thinking you should be able to have borscht in your bowl in an Indian restaurant, and if you can’t achieve having it there, it must mean there is something wrong with your ability to reach borscht.

This is something that I am and will continue to talk about the most, that we need community and there is no way around it. Even if we see ourselves as a person who likes their alone time. Or if we are a person who doesn’t like dealing with “human relationship stuff”. Or if we “don’t like” humans or whatever else is your particular reason for not liking the idea of community. The problem is not community, the problem is that we have so long forgotten what being in community feels like and we are so dysfunctional in our ways that dealing with humans feels like a burden, and not the safety, security, trust, ease, relaxation, freedom that it actually is.

Lets put it this way- if I told you that we could be together with people and it would feel awesome. It would make you feel more powerful, more joyful, more free, more capable, more significant, more relaxed, healthier, more connected, more peaceful, more exactly who you are and do what you like doing, more supported, knowing your place and purpose in life- wouldn’t you then agree with my suggestion that you too want a community?

Obviously I’m not suggesting relationships can be void of challenges and conflicts. This is actually a good thing- challenges and conflicts dealt with properly are the things that make us grow, make us have more trust in ourselves, others and life. If you know anything about raising a child, you know that you should allow them to have challenging experiences. Challenges are not the problem- how we deal with challenges might be problematic or helpful.

I will admit that having many people in my life with whom I have a deep intimate bond makes it so that I do have a lot more conflicts and challenges in my life, but I also have tons more aliveness, joy, support, freedom and everything else I described above. Because of having so many life partners I feel that I can actually show up in the world exactly as who I am.

And in any new relationships I build in life, I’m not afraid to show myself exactly as who I am at any given moment, because I can afford it. The worst that can happen is that the other person will not vibe with who I am, and that is okay, cause I have many people who do. I don’t go into spirals of inadequacy because of it. Doesn’t mean I take it lightly, I too don’t enjoy not being liked, this is a normal human conditioning. But it doesn’t debilitate me, I can process it much much faster than I used to in the past when I felt alone in the world.

And now the most important part- I used to think it was impossible to make friends as an adult. I felt that because I didn’t have life long relationships from school, or an amazing strong bond with my family, I was screwed. But that was just my limiting understanding of how many people out there were as much in need of deep relationships as me. Now that I know that people want it, I go there as soon as possible. I am an open book from the get go- I’m interested in deep meaningful committed relationships, and I’m also completely open to dismantle everything that I’ve been taught about relationships. Are you too?

If you are stuck around the topic of relationships and connections, it’s okay. This is the result of having grown up in society that teaches us the opposite of connection in a lot of ways. But I am here to tell you, from personal experience and without having been dealt a great hand, that it is possible and relationships can be a beautiful fulfilling part of every singe humans life.

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I think first and foremost, a person who is a healer is someone who is dedicated to mending the ruptures that have occurred inside of them. They are the person who is actively healing aspects of themselves and bringing resolution between different parts of themselves.

As a result of doing this, they impact both their personal experience and the collective, because everything and everyone is connected, and if one particle of the whole changes in some way, the whole of the unified field shifts. These of course are tiny incremental changes when it comes to the whole, but even a tiny shift is a shift.

Because of this, a bigger part of a healer is not interested in being seen as good, nice, kind or whatever else, because in this way they would not be doing a very good job as a healer whose job is to create connection between all aspects of themselves. Meaning those seen as “good” but also those that are seen as “bad”. No wholeness without taking everything as part of oneself.

Of course a lot of healers are traumatised in a way that has made them into people pleasers and obsessed with being good, but that is just a normal effect of our collective conditioning. This doesn’t mean they are not taking their “job” of being a healer seriously, it just points to areas they are still working on healing in themselves.

The second part of being a healer was already mentioned as influencing the collective healing. First, because whatever one shifts in their energy field, they shift in the energy field of the collective. But there could also be other ways in which healers benefit the collective. For example, they might provide healing services to others. Or they could work on an energetic level and specifically target some ruptures in the collective field and heal them. Or they can create art that has healing properties. And there are many more ways healers can do what they do. It can be something that one could recognise as healing, and something that nobody sees and wouldn’t know about, unless the person doing it would say they are doing it. A lot of healing work that healers do goes completely unnoticed. At least it is so in my case.

For the past 16 years I have consciously dedicated my life to being a healer. That has been my main job whilst I have also done other things. Healing work has not always been something that people would know I do. And most of the time it has been an unpaid job, because of many of my own unhealed aspects when it comes to value exchange. Even though I don’t rationally believe that healing services shouldn’t be exchanged for say money, but there are still parts of me that have a conflict in that area. This is something I’m working on healing in myself for example.

Being a healer is not something special or weird- it is a path like any other. The fact that this is still something that we don’t recognise in the mainstream worldview, doesn’t make it less real and normal. If we would turn back time, we would see that these people were always part of communities- the shaman, the medicine person, the witch, the elder, the seer, a ceremonial leader etc.

The problem with the current system we have is that is has disconnected us from our natural way of life, embedment in community, and thus a lot of us are not actually following our innate calling. Most of us tend to choose our path not according to what comes most authentically for us, but rather what will guarantee us money, significance, admiration, validation etc. This is extremely sad, since this makes us suffer and we end up with most people completely out of whack- anxious, depressed, vengeful, oppressive, disconnected, addicted.

And the most painful part is that what the system in place offers as medicine, is more individual work on self, more suppression with pills, more ideas about how if they just had more willpower they could get better. Without realising that a huge chunk of our individual suffering would actually be solved by being embedded in a safe community where our relational needs are met. Yes, there would still be healing that would need to occur, but it would look completely different in a safe container of helpful relationships.

I saw a video (couldn’t find a link to it anymore) where Trevor Noah (out of all people) was commenting on how what the current system did was take the village away from people and is now selling the village back to you for high price- the nanny, the plumber, the whatever help you need. When we could just go back to relying on eachothers help and feel so much more connected and regulated. We have people who need us and we have plenty of people who are there when we need them.

So it is clearly known that the solution to most problems is community, but in capitalist system it’s not convenient, because then people don’t depend on the system enough, and don’t feed the super rich, whose trauma has made it so that they will never feel like they are satisfied enough. The people in power unfortunately have a deep enough trauma which has made them feel completely separate, tuned out and able to inflict suffering onto others without feeling it themselves. They are not bad people at the core (they too used to be precious babies full of potential)- they are just in loads of pain and need healing the most.

By the way, lets be very clear here. This is not me saying that the actions of these powerful people are fine and should be condoned! I’m just saying their behaviour make sense for them, when we look at the underlying reasons.

All of us need healing, because it will free us from acting inferior and even deciding to choose such people into positions of power who are hurtful to us, themselves and the planet.

So a healer is someone who sees the world with as much openness and awareness as possible, looks for places that are incoherent and then works towards bringing coherence. And repairing energy flow- in themselves, in others, in the collective field. It’s the same as a plumber who looks for leaks or clogged pipes and then finds ways to correct the system so that water can pass properly.

A healer who is still stuck in concepts of good and bad, right and wrong, is just also in need of realigning their energy flow- not less of a healer, just a healer with this particular unmended rupture in them. Sometimes a plumber would also say maybe: “This is a bad pipe” but if they would look underneath the judgement, they would realise that what they mean is that this pipe is not piping according to how it should pipe and they can make it pipe better.

Why do people who have their own problems also help others with their problems? Well, there could be a lot of reasons, but actually the most prevalent one is properly that someone with this life path feels kind of compelled to do it. It just comes so naturally to them, they can’t not do it. And a big reason i also that by helping other people mend their ruptures, the healer also heals through this process. Actually, for someone who is a healer, a faster track to being more healed (meaning having more ruptures mended in their system) is through offering sessions to others and helping them do their healing work.

This is where my plumber analogy unfortunately doesn’t work, because the more time a plumber works on the pipes of other people, the less time they have to tend to their own pipes. Maybe only this much, that the more expertise they gain by working on the pipes of others, the better specialists they become- that is also true for healers.

Unhealed doesn’t mean broken or worse than, unhealed means the energy flow is hindered in some way. If there is a rock that got stuck in a water pipe and the water is barely flowing through, the pipe is not broken, the rock is not bad- we just need to know how to remove the rock carefully and restore the ease of flow of water. I’m realising a lot about plumbing through writing this post…

My main job in life is healing and I do it in a lot of different ways. Maybe it’s good to explain what it means for me personally. It will differ from healer to healer, but in my case this is what I do:

I work on staying in a state of constant awareness and observation of everything occurring in me- my feelings, emotions, sensations, my thoughts and judgements, how the environment in impacting me, what boundaries and desires are arising, what I perceive in other peoples energy field, what is the dominant vibration of the environment I’m in. By virtue of practising this for a decade and a half, it almost never happens that I lose this state of awareness. This is not a god-sent talent, it’s a skill that everyone can practise and become good at.

In this state of awareness, I’m also then in curious state of questioning. When a feeling comes up I look at what brought it on, what story I created in a split second, if there is something deeper triggered, can I look at the knee jerk reaction and question if that is the ultimate truth of the situation or there could be another way of looking at what I observed etc. Sometimes when I’m off balance by virtue of having something deeper surface, I might go right into some type of healing process- some inner child healing method or do parts work. I try to do it then and there where it came up, even if I’m in a grocery store. Sometimes I need more private space when I need to move something in a more active way and I don’t want people to freak out- maybe I need to let out a loud cry, or shake my body or do some voicing etc.

I have many modalities of somatic healing that I do, and sometimes it’s not even any methods that I’ve learned, but I just relax myself into the healing to occur through me and my body does what it needs- maybe it shakes, sways, does some facial expressions, does noises, moves in “weird” ways. Whatever occurs, I let it flow through me for however long it needs to. Often in these situations I feel very at ease, allowing my body to take over and mostly I am in a state of feeling, and not in a head space. Or sometimes thoughts, memories, or realisations pop up, but I don’t stay attached to them. They are also part of what needs to be released.

Sometimes I have some things moving through me that are connected to people around me, but I don’t separate it as something “mine” or “others”. As everything is one, everything is as mine as it is others. So I just open my body to doing the work and it does it on it’s own. Because it’s very normal to me and I feel safe when these things happen, I just relax into the experience of it.

I help other people with whatever is ruptured in them and it can take a lot of different forms- from talking and shifting perspective, to doing deep journey works, to releasing through different body movement exercises. I don’t do energy healing on people of any kind, because I feel it’s completely pointless. I help people learn ways in which they can create connection to themselves and mend the ruptures existing in them. This creates a more intimate relationship to aspects of themselves and they are more likely to keep it up. If a healer realigns something for them, they are not very incentivised to shift anything and they will end up where they were before the energy healing session again. Not in all cases, but in most.

I do many creative things that are healing for me and that carry healing energy for others- from drawing, singing, dancing to cooking, performing, creating spaces that are welcoming.

In truth, I can see how everything I do in life is imbued with energy of healing work, because it’s not even so much what I do, it’s what I emanate from my core.

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1. Thank you for taking care of your needs and expressing your boundaries!

2. Thank you for having the courage to say this.

3. I want to ask you to do something, but please say yes only if you have a full-bodied yes to it, and if it’s a no, tell me no.

4. Thank you for trusting me with this. It must be quite vulnerable to share.

5. Thank you for giving me feedback on how my actions/words affected you. I want to be aware of what impact I have on people.

6. How did it make you feel and what stories arose in response?

7. What do you think I meant when I said this?

8. Can you define … so that I know that we are talking about the same thing.

9. Would you like me to just listen to you, or would you like me to reflect on how it landed in me?

10. When … happened, what were your thoughts/feelings about it?

11. When … happened, the story that arose in response in me was… and that made me feel…

12. You can expect … from me and you generally can’t expect …

13. This is what I need and now I want to hear what is your need, because I want us to figure out how both of our needs could be met. I’m not interested in getting my needs met at the expense of your wellbeing. I want us to come up with a win-win solution.

14. This conflict is good because it gives us an opportunity of working through it and become more aware of who we are. This is an opportunity to create a stronger and more trusting relationship with deeper intimacy.

15. I know this feels a bit uncomfortable at the moment, and we can just sit with this sensation. We don’t need to do anything. Lets just breathe into it and try to feel, instead of going with stories in our heads. Soon we will see things a bit more clearly.

16. You don’t have to do life alone! Nobody should expect to do life on their own. As long as there are many of us here, lets do life together.

17. I like being there for people and listening to what moves through them. If you have a desire to share something, feel free to reach out and highly likely I will have space for your sharing. And if I won’t at that moment, I will let you know and tell you when I have time.

18. I realise I said … before, but that wasn’t an aligned answer. Actually I had a story running in me that … and I felt … and that’s why I didn’t express my truth. You deserve to be treated with respect and honesty, so actually my answer is … How does that make you feel?

19. If you knew for a fact that everybody would 100% approve of your choice/decision, including yourself, what would it really be?

20. Nothing I ever do or feel in response to you has anything to do with you. It is just me expressing who I am at any given moment. If you desire you can take that as feedback that moves your decisions/actions in some way, but I don’t expect you to do anything that isn’t something you want to do. I can have my reaction and hold a wish for you to be true to yourself.

21. I realise that this choice of mine makes you feel … because you care about me, but I will still do it, because I want to make this choice.

22. I can’t reason at the moment, first I need to allow myself to feel what is moving through me.

23. Whenever you act out of alignment, you deserve more love, not less. If you act out of alignment, it means you already have less access to love, so it will do you no good to be denied love.

24. I have a good sense of my boundaries and I’m good at expressing them, so you can expect me to let you know what does and what doesn’t work for me.

25. I generally want to hear everybody’s side of things, so you can feel free to bring your story to me.

26. I can’t promise to be non-judgemental, but I can promise that I will know that my judgements are more of a reflection of the relationship I have with myself that anything else.

27. What is alive in you right now?

These are just some examples of things I find myself saying pretty often to people. Also because I’m constantly meeting new people, so I’m kind of introducing myself over an over and over again. Those who know me well already still hear me say many of these things, but not all of them.

Maybe I will add some things to this list as they pop up in my mind or someone points out that I say something they usually don’t hear others say. Changing how we express ourselves is a little step we can make towards creating more connected, caring and safe relationships.

Share with me down in the comments the ways in which you create more connected, caring and safe relationships. I’d love to know to add to my collection.

*Btw, I’m also sometimes out of alignment and don’t communicate so perfectly, and then I just remind myself that I too deserve more love, not less.

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I could just write about why I used to drink and why I don’t anymore, but I want to include background information and describe the cultural landscape. My drinking habits and the environmental factors that lead to this lifestyle don’t live in separate universes.

I don’t drink alcohol anymore. I quit drinking a few times, but full stop arrived in January 2017. I had probably a couple of glasses of wine and a few sips of someone else’s beer after I quit, but today I’m fully sober.

I’m not in an AA program and I quit on my own, although I’m familiar with the 12 step framework which I’ll touch on later.

I gave up drinking alcohol and it was easy for me. Quitting smoking, which I did at the same time, turned out to be waaaay harder.

In order to become and stay sober, I needed to make a commitment. My addiction was not to the substance itself, but for what the substance allowed me to compensate for. And I needed to make a decision of either I will continue ruining my health, wellbeing and self-respect, or I will start working on the issues that keep me finding alleviation in drinking.

Alrighty! Let’s go back in time to the very beginning.

I was brought up in a country and by a culture where drinking is not just a national sport, but also a solution for everything. You have a cold- you should have a shot of pepper vodka; you have a toothache- you should have a shot of vodka; you had a bad day at work- you should have a few shots of vodka; you had a good day at work- you should have a few bottles of vodka; you lost someone- you should have vodka; you gave birth- you should have vodka.

For every problem and every happy memory, there is vodka. Or at the very least- a few bottles of beer.

Nowadays, there is of course wine and mojito and bourbon and everything else fancy. But it all started with vodka- for every occasion. It used to even be completely acceptable to be paid for work in bottles of alcohol.

I grew up with a father who was an alcoholic. He was a cyclical alcoholic which means that he would go for months without drinking even a sip, and then when he would, he would get hammered for days, weeks or months in a row. Until he would somehow pull himself out of it for a few months, sometimes even a year, just to fall back, and up and fall back, and up and fall back…

We didn’t really have much of an extended family, so this is kind of all I know about drinking culture in my immediate family. One clear alcoholic and I have no clue if there were any others or not.

My first experiences with alcohol

It must have been summer of 1998. I was 12 years old when I had a sip of beer from a bottle left in the kitchen during Midsummer celebration (summer Solstice). It is (or was?) a huge celebration always and in my childhood it was my absolute favourite day of the year. Only comparable to, though definitely still a second place holder, New Years Eve.

Everybody were outside in our yard around a huge bonfire which is the most important part of the celebration. Outside table was filled with boiled potatoes with dill, sour cream sauce with spring onion, shashlik (grilled marinated meat on skewers), smoked fish, hot adjika, tomato-cucumber-radish salad and so many other classic dishes. If you are from Eastern Europe- this description makes you feel things, I’m sure.

What made this celebration my favourite alongside New Years Eve was that these two days in the year were the only ones when we would be allowed to stay up all night if we wanted to. These were the most sacred days of my childhood.

I don’t care much for staying up all nigh anymore though- go figure.

So on this very important night I had my first few sips of beer that I secretly sneaked in knowing all family and friends were outside. It was a very underwhelming experience. It didn’t taste nice at all. I shrugged and went back outside to play with my friends.

The second time was a bit more exciting

I was in an art camp by the sea with a bunch of kids aged 10-16 I would assume. It was summer of 1999, I was 13 and I was friends with the group of older girls. I felt very proud of my position.

One day, the girls had arranged to buy a few bottles on sider, a new drink on the market, and silly ladies running the local village shop had no clue it contained alcohol. So they sold it to us, kids!

90’s in Eastern Europe were really legendary. Wild wild East.

We waited until the night and when all camp counsellors had gone to sleep, we sneaked out and went to the beach to drink our siders containing a whopping 2,5‰. We only had a few 0,33l bottles so we just got a mini-tiny-buzz if even that. Still, it felt like I was part of a very important experience.

There on the beach we ran into college guys who were drunk off their asses on cheap beer, and I felt so important having been part of this. Drunk 18-year old guys and us, 13-15 year old girls sporting a mild siderbuzz- a match made in heaven. By the way, we were not far from actual Heaven! Well, a night club called 7th Heaven, but a Heaven nonetheless.

One guy broke his glasses by going for a swim and diving face-first into a rock. I broke the neck of a beer bottle, because I really wanted to try to open it like the guys, using the side of the bench. The guys were so sweet and didn’t mind at all drinking from this bottle that probably still contained tiny pieces of broken glass- you don’t throw away perfectly good beer just because it has glass in it and the bottle doesn’t have a neck to drink from.

And I think we girls might have gotten away with this one, I don’t remember us getting caught by camp counsellors or getting in any kind of trouble because of that. What a romantic memory, how could you not associate drinking with glamour and adultyness.

Third time I drank, I drank real well

The first two times it was really about trying something, but ultimately not really getting the point. The third time though, was when I got to experience why I would later fall in love with drinking so much.

It was early fall of 2000, I was now 14 years old. I lived in the suburb area where I was born and lived until we moved when I was 16. I had all my original local friends from when I was a kindergartener, although now I was also attending a big city school with around 1000 pupils (until I was 13 I had attended 2 small local schools where everybody knew everybody). It was an exciting era of loads of new people and influences.

One of my besties had a guy over whom she was interested in and somehow we ended up raiding her fathers bar cabinet. We found a half-full bottle of Scottish Leader which we took with us and went to the woods. I really don’t remember why this plan was born, but I’m assuming this new love-interest of hers had something to do with this decision of ours.

So there we were, we were joined by another guy-friend of ours. He was a few years older, but part of our regular friends circle. We were drinking and somehow I ended up drinking the most. I got totally shitfaced. And I loved it. I felt completely free and powerful beyond measure. I wasn’t restricted by my usual shyness and low self-esteem. I could be whoever I wanted to be. I was being very silly and I couldn’t care less that people were annoyed by me. I felt such freedom of just expressing myself in whatever way it wanted to come through me.

I was freeee!!!! I had longed for such freedom my whole life. Finally, nothing I thought of myself or others thought of me, was holding me back.

I kept on drinking until I heard my mom calling me home. I got panicked and said I need to go home. My friend recommended I take a cold shower at home, he said it would get me sober.

I went home, although for whatever reason the usually straight and levelled paved road home had somehow become winding, weirdly hilly and at least 2km longer than the usual 200m…

I opened the door quietly, heard my mom in the kitchen who asked if it was me. I said yes and ran up the stairs to my room. There I switched quickly to my sleeping gown and hopped in bed, the whole world spinning around me.

I tried falling asleep, but couldn’t. I got out of the bed, went up another flight of stairs to the main bathroom of the house and got into the shower. I thought, I’ll try the cold shower trick my friend suggested. After a short shower I head my mom behind the door asking me if everything was fine. I thought it was fine, she won’t know and went and opened the door.

My mom looked at me up and down and asked What is happening?

I said Nothing, I just took a shower before bed.

She looked at me up and down again, shocked, and said In your pyjamas?

This is when I realised I was in such a hurry, I had forgotten to take the clothes off, so I was standing in the bathroom door, in pyjamas, dripping with water.

My mom leaned into me, sniffed my mouth and said Oh I get it!

She escorted me back to my room, took off my clothes, put me into a new set and tucked me into the bed. She said we’ll talk in the morning.

I went to sleep.

That was unfortunately not the end of this tragic saga. In the middle of the night I woke up feeling super sick. I stood up, opened my window and puked outside of it onto a stairway leading into the basement. I guess the good thing is that it was raining that night, so by morning the evidence was gone. It only lives in my memory now.

In the morning I woke up to the sound of my alarm, got dressed and went to school. The whole world was still spinning and I was suffering.

After school I went to my moms workplace and told her: You know, I think the fish-sticks I ate yesterday had gone bad.

She scoffed: Uhuh, your father probably also had those bad fish-sticks yesterday.

And then I saw my dad in the corner, looking very hungover, sitting on a chair like a little boy that had been caught doing something bad. He was barely holding his eyes open, looking at the ground.

My mom signaled me to sit next to him. She was about to finish and would then take both of us home, since my dad couldn’t drive in this condition.

Fourth time drinking and my first blackout

After my experience with Scottish Leader in the woods, I couldn’t even look at any alcoholic beverages without getting sick to my stomach. I swore off alcohol until late February 2002.

I would be part of parties where others drank, but I just couldn’t. Even though I longed for the freedom I had experienced, my body would reject the idea of having alcohol in my system.

But somehow it had changed over time and at the ripe age of 16 I was ready to try again.

We were on a 3 day school choir trip. Long story short- I got super wasted, experienced my first blackout, was super embarrassed. But also fell in love again with the freedom I felt by the effect of alcohol running through my system.

Between 16 and 18 I drank very rarely, probably because I didn’t have much access to alcohol and I wasn’t motivated enough to create said access.

At 18 I met my first boyfriend and we would sometimes go out and drink, but we would never drink at home, and we were mostly into eachother and didn’t care too much for parties.

He was more of a homebody, I loved going out with friends, but still, it’s not like it was happening too often. Maybe once a month. But when I would drink, I would drink like there was no tomorrow. I loved getting super drunk. I also could “afford” it because I never became the type of drunk that can’t control themselves. Of course I would sometimes get sad by the end of the night and cry on a shoulder of someone, but it felt quite connecting, not bad.

Most of the time though, alcohol allowed me to transform into a super confident highly powerful fun-filled entertainer. I would mostly entertain myself, but with that also others.

I loved getting into ridiculous adventures- go out not knowing where with whom and how the night would end. I loved dancing, meeting people, laughing, singing, making up elaborate lies, engaging in drunk people drama. I loved everything about all of it. I was driven by fun and I was a fun drunk and life would become fun when drinking. Alcohol was freeing and fun.

Even the next days were always fun. I didn’t suffer from terrible hangovers until my very late 20s, so most of my drinking career was also not overshadowed by any complications from next day headaches. And mornings, when recounting all the silly shenanigans we had gotten into with friends, were as much if not more fun than the nights before.

Would I go back and not drink? No!

Would I have loved to have grown up in an environment, raised by a culture that knew how to meet my needs, so that I wouldn’t have needed to substitute for it by slowly killing myself with toxic substances? Yes!

I’m not planning to have children, but if I did, I would look at my drinking past and I would try to figure out a way to create for my children a healthy environment - love, attention, freedom, feeling of belonging etc so that they wouldn’t need to do what I did. I don’t think alcohol is a necessary part of life- it is always a substitute for something that is missing.

In my late 20s I started drinking less often again, but would still engage in binge drinking, because I think it also was the norm for where I’m from. You either don’t drink at all, or you drink way waay too much.

I was drinking because that was the culture, but also because I so desperately wanted to just relax into being myself and not care too much about what others thought of me.

I also wanted to be free to connect with people and create belonging. I loved chatting up complete strangers and creating adventures with them. I wanted to engage in childlike play and silliness with the whole world- I was searching for unity and love.

The way I went for these needs cause I didn’t know of any other ways, was through alcohol consumption and partying.

Even though I don’t drink anymore, the things I love in life the most are still the same- being free to be and express myself, spend time chatting and creating adventures with friends and strangers, and being playful and silly whenever possible. There are many more things I enjoy, but just to note that what I used to get out of drinking, I still get, just in a different way.

If I would have been shown or given a different way to get these needs met, if it wasn’t so culturally accepted that this is how you have fun in your teens and 20’s, I would have done it differently.

But this is what was sold to me- through advertisement, media, early influencers.

I think when we talk about addiction to alcohol and drugs, we usually still talk about physical dependancy. But those of us who use or used these substances like me are also addicts. Not in the same physical dependancy way, but we use it as a crutch, and that is by definition dependancy. Even if we don’t drink too often or too much, if we use it in order to resource something through doing so, we are depending on it to get to the desired outcome.

Even mild social drinking usually loosens us up, increases courage, frees us to express ourselves. This is why we do it. I’m sad that we live in society where we don’t have healthier ways of going for these things. It’s sad that we need to ingest X amount of poison if order to feel better about ourselves.

I mean there are so many other ways people are poisoning themselves into feeling better about themselves- all of those ways make me sad.

New Years Eve 2016, I drank one bottle of wine after not having drank for a while. When I woke up of 1st of January 2017, I decided that this was it for me. I decided I can’t drink anymore. I can’t smoke anymore. I can’t keep being bulimic anymore. I couldn’t keep harming myself in all those ways.

I didn’t know exactly how I would be able to get myself out of these painful coping mechanisms, but I knew I could not continue like that.

I made a decision to stop. I also knew that the only way I could actually stop was if I dedicated myself to full authenticity. I was drinking, smoking and puking because this was my way of suppressing everything in me that I thought was unlovable. This was how I dealt with the feelings of not-enoughness. I could drink, smoke and puke myself into a version of me I wanted people to see me as and a version I though they would approve of.

I learned later that in 12-step groups they also quit kind of in a similar way- by dedicating themselves to authenticity. They have their own ways of getting to that state, and I had mine that didn’t necessarily include making amends or writing out my full history of transgressions, but I can see broad similarities.

Very honestly, the first 2 years after quitting were the most boring fucking years of my entire life.

When I look back now, a lot of exciting things happened, but I couldn’t really be very excited or happy, my brain and my body were coming into a new state of equilibrium after so many years of numbing myself.

Today I don’t drink at all. I have become the person I couldn’t have imagined becoming in my 20s- I can be around alcohol and people who drink and feel zero amount of FOMO from not drinking, also my life feels good and fun without alcohol in it. I prefer hanging with people who don’t drink at events where there is no alcohol, but even if people are drinking and alcohol is present, I carry on like it doesn’t exist. It’s very very different from how it used to be and now that I’m writing and thinking about it, it feels very bizarre.

I did go though a period where I would not put myself in any situations where alcohol was present and it was a healthy and good decision for that time. Now, I prefer not to be around people who drink, but if they do, I don’t care. But I also mostly don’t end up in places with people who drink. That is just not the crowd I’m usually with.

I have enough very close people in my life and that makes me not need to go out to places where people drink in order to find connection. I can just call or go see many friends who I have a close, connected, open, honest, transparent relationship with and have a great connecting time without any substances. I feel fully free to be myself in any way that I feel that day- good, crappy, happy, petty, excited, depressed. Everything is welcome.

I didn’t use to have relationships like that when I was suppressing aspects of myself. I needed to become my authentic self and start acting and expressing myself in transparent ways in order to attract people in my life that want to receive the fullness of me.

So even though I was drinking so much because I was craving freedom and connection, I actually never got it really. Only by giving up alcohol and becoming free by being honest about who I was, did I ever end up meeting people who choose to connect with me for me.

P.S. Nothing is black and white, there is so much complexity to the whole story. I just described a tiny piece of the journey, in a very condensed manner. It wasn’t a quick and easy path, rather one that was full of intense work, hardship, suffering, pain, loss, grief, depression, misunderstanding, disappointment, fear, shame, guilt… and ultimately healing.

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When you find yourself in a situation that seems to be leading to a sexual contact, offer to have an RBDSM(AFT) talk beforehand. The way to do it is to say: Hey, I see where this is going and I’m totally into it, now lets sit down and have a talk that will make this whole thing go down in a way that will be enjoyable and stress-free for both of us (or however many of us are participating).

I’ve been using this tool and have seen a whole bunch of other people using it and it really makes everything so much better. Please don’t skip learning and implementing it 🙏

RBDSM(AFT) is an acronym representing:

• R: Relationships

• B: Boundaries

• D: Desires

• S: Sexual Health

• M: Meaning

• A: Aftercare

• F: Fears

• T: Trauma

So now that you know what the acronym stands for, let’s get into a bit more details on what this actually means:

Relationships:

Begin by discussing your current relationship status. Are you single, in a committed partnership, practicing ethical non-monogamy or you’re polyamorous?

• "Are you currently in a relationship with someone else, and if so, what are your boundaries regarding intimacy with others?"

• "How do you define relationships? Are you looking for something casual, serious, or open-ended?"

Boundaries:

Clearly articulate personal boundaries. Discuss physical, emotional, and psychological boundaries to ensure you both feel safe and respected. This might include specific activities to avoid or topics that are off-limits.

• "I’m comfortable with [X], but I’m not okay with [Y]. What about you?"

• "Are there any physical or emotional boundaries you’d like me to be aware of?"

• "If at any point you feel uncomfortable, how would you like to communicate that?"

Desires:

Share your desires and what you hope to experience together. This could range from physical preferences to emotional connections, ensuring you both are aligned in your expectations.

• "What are some things you’ve always wanted to explore but haven’t had the chance to?"

• "Do you have any fantasies or preferences that are important to you?"

• "What makes you feel the most desired and connected during sex?"

Sexual Health:

Share information about recent STI tests, contraceptive methods, and any other relevant health concerns.

• "When was the last time you were tested for STIs? I got tested…."

• "Do you prefer using protection, and if so, what kind?"

• "Are there any health concerns I should be aware of before we have sex?"

Meaning:

What is the meaning you are assigning to this encounter? Is it a casual experience, or do you desire it to hold potential for a deeper relationship? Aligning on the meaning helps prevent misunderstandings and ensures both of you are on the same page.

• "What does this connection mean to you? Are you looking for a one-time experience, friendship, or something romantic?"

• "How do you usually feel after being intimate with someone?"

• "Does sex hold a deeper emotional meaning for you, or do you view it more casually?"

Aftercare:

Aftercare involves discussing how both of you wish to be treated following the sexual experience. This could include cuddling, verbal affirmations, or follow-up communication.

• "After sex, do you prefer cuddling, space, or something else?"

• "I would like to leave right after having sex- is that okay with you?"

• "Would you like to check in with each other the next day?"

Fears:

I guess this one is for advanced users and its not part of the traditional RBDSM talk. Even the previous point of aftercare isn’t, but it is a lot more usual than the topic of fear and trauma.

Just talk openly about your fears. It’s completely normal to have fears and anxieties when preparing to have a sexual contact, and it should be also completely normal to talk about it.

• "Is there anything about this experience that makes you nervous?"

• "Do you have any past experiences that have made you hesitant in situations like this?"

• "What’s something I can do to help you feel more at ease?"

Trauma:

Acknowledging past traumas and understanding potential triggers is essential. Again, I get it, it’s a bit advanced, but I recommend not skipping this one either. Talking about things that are the reality of our experiences should be normal!

• "Are there any triggers or things you’d like me to avoid?"

• "If something unexpected comes up, how would you like me to handle it?"

• "Would you like to set a signal or word to pause if you ever feel uncomfortable?"

I hope that this does not come to you as news that if talking about these things makes you feel like maybe you’ll miss out on the opportunity of having sex with this person, maybe it’s not the best idea to have sex with them… just a thought.

I really hope that we as society will evolve soon enough to a place where we normalise everything that is alive in us and are not constantly driven by shame, guilt, fear and lack.

Good luck having good sex!

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If you get bit by a snake, don’t go see a shaman. Go to the ER. And then go see a shaman to find out why the snake bit you in the first place.
- Dr. Alberto Villoldo

For starters, we need to travel back in time to the end of 2010. I was living alone after I had broken up from my first long-term relationship. We had remained good friends, but it didn’t spare us from going through a long and painful process of deconstructing what our relationship used to be and what it would become.

It was a very challenging time for me as I was going through an immense period of uncertainty. It was the first time in my life that I had entangled my whole existence with another human. And now I was in a process of needing to understand how to move forward, who am I outside of this relationship, am I ever going to find another partner again, how am I going to do life alone…

Remaining close friends didn’t spare me from this process, and to a degree it made it even harder. Unfortunately back then, as a very young woman, I had no clue that not being in a romantic partnership doesn’t mean anything other than not being in a romantic partnership. I was still under the impression that being single is an unwanted state in between being in a romantic relationships. So I was having a very hard time- one of the most painful times in my life.

From around December on I started being sick more than I was in good health. I was struggling a lot with my throat which was very sore most of the time. For the next months until august 2011 I was constantly in and out of having fever with painfully inflamed tonsils. In august I was finally scheduled for tonsil removal operation.

Even though I wanted to get out of this constant pain, I didn’t want a part of my body to be cut off. Of course if I would absolutely need something to be cut out and it was clear there was no other way to solve the ailment, I would. But in that time, in august of 2011, I didn’t know if I HAD to do it. I wanted to avoid it at all cost if possible.

My desire to not have this operation lead me to finding a text online that explained how all ailments in the physical body are the manifestation of unhealed aspects in the emotional and mental body. When I found the text I had a strong feeling that this was my answer. 2 days before the operation was supposed to take place, I cancelled it.

I decided to give it a go and work through all the underlying emotional pain I was going through. I didn’t know if it would work, but I was very motivated. I took the suggestions from the text and did all the emotional and mental body healing work that was supposed to help me. If I remember correctly, I did that for about 2 weeks and then the sore throat was gone. And, to this day, it has never returned.

I’m not claiming it will never come back or that I won’t suffer from some other ailment that I won’t be able to heal on my own, or that I will never take pharmaceuticals, but thus far, I haven’t needed any pills since. Every time I have any ailment in my physical body, I always go for healing the root cause in the mental and emotional body and this is how my physical body gets well again.

I actually have almost no memory of what I did back then in 2011. I use very different ways nowadays, but I remember there was some part that included forgiveness.

Today, forgiveness might sometimes be part of the healing process, but mostly it’s a version of parts work, inner child healing work or a method of shadow work that is needed.

Another reason why I don’t take pharmaceuticals is because I have changed my relationship to pain and fever. I think the most amount of pharmaceuticals people take (and I was taking) has to do with suppressing pain and fever.

I am not against feeling pain anymore. I welcome pain and connect to it to understand what it is trying to teach me about what is going on inside of me. Often times, there is something I would benefit from changing in my life. Physical pain has helped me move on from emotionally painful environments many times. Sometimes when I’m not listening to my emotional pain urging me to change something, it is more likely that I will listen to the physical one. And because I don’t suppress it with pharmaceuticals I’m motivated to make the change- physical pain is not comfortable.

Fever is another one of those that I have learned to see as my body’s natural way of helping me process what needs to be processed. So if I don’t suppress this natural healing method my body knows how to use, I will actually go through the healing process and not stifle it.

I have reoccurring anxiety and tend to cycle in and out of depression. And again, I have chosen for myself to not take pharmaceuticals, but rather look at the causes of why these states occur. They always come with a lot of information about me, the trauma I’m carrying and the effects of the people and environment I am in. Not taking pharmaceuticals in this case allows me to deal with these things head on, and yet again make the necessary changes and do trauma healing work.

I don’t take contraceptives, because I don’t want to disrupt my hormonal system and I have been able to figure out how to not get pregnant otherwise. I am also deeply worried about what hormonal contraceptives are doing not only to women’s health, but the health of everyone and everything.

What I mostly do instead of taking pharmaceuticals is working with my body- through a variety of different methods. Sometimes, I might use some herbal medicine, garlic, ginger, lemon, that kind of stuff.

I treat food as medicine. Meaning I do all in my power to mostly eat organic whole foods. I’m not following it 100%- I’ve been having loads of cake lately. But most of my meals consist of really simple unprocessed plant-based ingredients- rice, beans, greens, veggies, fruit, nuts, seeds.

I don’t drink alcohol, I don’t smoke (although I might enjoy a joint sometimes), I don’t use harmful household chemicals, I use very simple natural hygiene products and only if I need to (and we don’t need much at all).

I still have plenty of habits that are not super healthy, like drinking coffee and eating sugar from time to time, but I’m also not one to be dogmatic. I do what feels good and even if I see that I have a behaviour that isn’t fully aligned with my preferred state of health, then I just observe myself and see what makes me engage with it. And some day, it will fall away on its own when I’ve found a better way of meeting a need that is met by me using this crutch at the moment.

I also track my cycle which is very helpful with understanding my needs, moods and brain function. I have noticed when am I inclined for what and then can I live in more understanding of how I work. That also creates more ease and helps me not think there is something wrong or that something needs to be fixed. Sometimes feeling uneasy just means that I’ll start bleeding in 24-48 hours.

My health routine also includes spending a lot of time in nature (not even doing much, but just sitting on the grass surrounded by trees and flowers in enough), getting a good amount of sun, working on my relationships (with myself and others), finding community wherever I am and leaning on others, helping those in need and sharing my gifts, resolving stressful thoughts and situations, not doing much of what I don’t like doing. I guess I do more things that lead to health, that I don’t even notice, cause it’s just so normal for me.

The last thing I want to say is that you DON’T HAVE TO be healthy. If you want, you can do things that will align you with better health, but you don’t owe it to anyone and you’re not morally obligated to be healthy. I’m kind of really tired of how being healthy is often times seen as something all people have to strive for. Not fucking true. Do whatever you want, this is your life. Want to be healthy?- find a way to be. Don’t wan't to be healthy?- more power to you!

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Looking back at my life, I can see how I’ve been keen and accepting of death, so naturally I thought I don’t have coping mechanisms that are connected to denying death.

Until I stumbled upon secretly guarded behaviour patters that were designed to keep parts of me from facing death.

I realised there were ways in which I was not showing up in the world because I was afraid of the death of the perception people held of me.

Death is not just the end of life, it is an ever-present force in everything we do. Every time we reveal something about ourselves, we experience a death of who we once were in our own eyes. Our self-perception is fluid, and with each act of honesty, we shed old identities.

This process is unsettling yet necessary. To hold on to an outdated version of ourselves is to resist growth, clinging to a static image that no longer reflects our evolving truth.

Beyond our own perception, we must also accept the death of how others see us. When we share something new, we force the world to update its image of us, and that transition can be uncomfortable. Some may resist this change in us, preferring the comfort of who they assumed we were.

Yet, we have no control over how others react. Their perception of us will die many times, and each time, a new version will take its place—sometimes welcomed, sometimes not.

There is also the death of secrecy. The moment we bring something hidden into the light, we lose the intimacy of holding it close.

There is a comfort in keeping things to ourselves, a safety in the unspoken.

But secrecy, too, can become a kind of stagnation, a way of resisting change. Letting something out into the world means accepting that it is no longer just ours—it will take on a life of its own, subject to interpretation, response, and sometimes even distortion.

Life is filled with these small deaths.

Each moment, something is lost so that something new can emerge.

The real tragedy is not death itself but our resistance to it.

When we fight against change, when we attempt to keep things as they are, we do not preserve life—we suffocate it.

The paradox is that by accepting death, we open ourselves up to fully living.

To embrace transformation, to allow the old to fade, is to make space for something new to arise.

Death is not just an ending; it is the doorway to renewal.

So here I am, dying over and over again and I intend to keep on dying with more vigour than ever before.

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I’ll back up a bit to how it came about. I think I have always had a bit of a clown in me, but I have been much too shy to let it out anywhere. My clown self has been reserved to come out with people who have known me really, really well. I can also arrive at a point of being funny with strangers, but I need a sort of setting that will allow that. Usually, I need to either be performing or be in the role of a facilitator. Another way my inner jokester feels safe enough to emerge is if I meet a person who really matches my vibe. Outside of all those cases, people might think I’m a very serious person (and be quite wrong).

A few years ago, a friend of mine suggested that when I visited him in Portugal, we should go and perform as clowns. He had participated in some clowning workshops and was invited to perform as a clown at a children’s camp. He asked me to go along with him, and I answered with an immediate yes.

On the day of the performance, we put together a suitcase of props, picked clothes to wear, drove to the park where we were supposed to perform, and put on quick clown makeup. This was the first time in my life I would look like a clown and try to act like a clown. I had no training, had never tried clowning, and had not prepared much of anything. I had, in my life, seen a few clown performances, but that was about it. The good thing about me is that I’m not intimidated by performing, and I don’t have much of a fear of failure when it comes to performing. Actually, I think I have always failed somewhat or even tragically while performing. It’s never comfortable, obviously, but it doesn’t take me into an existential crisis like failing in many other situations might. The stage somehow feels like a safe space for failing.

When we finished putting on our outfits and makeup in the car, my friend wanted to take a few selfies, to which I agreed. That was the first thing I noticed that was different about the situation. Usually, I have such a deep sense of discomfort when it comes to pictures being taken of me, and for around a decade, I hadn’t allowed any pictures to ever be taken of me. Now I felt it was fine. I was even okay making faces and looking “bad,” which has always felt like my biggest limitation around photo-taking.

After the selfie session, we came out of the car. I ballooned my belly to add to the character, and we started walking—already doing a bit—toward the children. As I walked, I realized how freeing this whole experience was: allowing photos to be taken of me, pushing out my belly demonstratively, not caring about what people in the park thought of me. I was free to experience where this character, my friend’s character, and the co-creation with the children would take me.

One of the biggest revelations came to me when I was thinking about which prop to take next and how to engage the children in another activity for the following 5–10 minutes, because this was how long their attention span turned out to last per activity. I suddenly realized I could take the ukulele, tell them that I’m the absolute best ukulele player and singer in the whole wide world, and start playing it very wrong—singing very loudly and off-tune, making up a song as I went. I can still tap into the feeling of how liberating this moment was.

When my friend and I finished, we both realized we would never entertain kids again, but that we definitely wanted to continue working with the clown character. I didn’t pick up clowning, though, but I will as soon as an opportunity presents itself.

My next experience with character work came last summer while living in an eco-community in Portugal. Without going into much detail, I was suggested to take on a character to deal with my fear of being seen as irresponsible and messy. The character would play out these traits in order for me to merge with that aspect of myself and maybe even learn that nothing terrible happens if people perceive me in those ways. I felt an instant pull to do this challenge, and I transformed myself into Bunga for one day.

Bunga was loud, inappropriate, dominant, didn’t give a fuck about what others thought of it, and did what it wanted. Again, I felt a surge of freedom—along with some fear this time, though. The fear mainly came from transforming myself into a character without most people in the space knowing that this was what was up. There were about 150 people who had seen me previously as my normal self, and now I emerged as somebody who had dirty, messy hair and clothes and was covered in kind of “tattoos” that exclaimed “Eat shit!” and “No fucks given.” Since it was a hot summer day, I went into a lake fully clothed and emerged from it without drying myself off. Dripping with water, I went and sat at a lunch table, introducing myself as Bunga, eating straight off the place and starting a tiny food fight. The first few hours of people not understanding what was going on were quite hard for me, as I needed to keep being in character and live with the fact that I couldn’t explain that I hadn’t gone insane, and that I wasn’t on drugs.

As the day went by, I came up with more and more traits for the character. Bunga was becoming more and more real and theatrical at the same time. I took the backseat, allowing Bunga to fully do its thing and teach me a thing or two about the freedom to be and do what one wants.

Throughout the day, Bunga developed somewhat of a backstory, quirks, pet peeves, favorite type of music and activities, pick-up lines, ways of approaching people, and so on. A lot of people were very fond of Bunga, sticking around to see what kind of crazy adventures it would get itself into next; others were really annoyed and even triggered. Bunga was an experience for all people present.

What I learned mostly from Bunga was that it is true that no matter how you act and what choices you make in life, some people will like you, and others will not. And it’s okay. Obviously, I knew that before, but really going for this character and pushing limits made this knowing seep into my cells and become embodied knowledge.

The third character I engaged with was also in the summer, in the same community, and this time I worked with a character that helped me overcome some of the shame related to my background. Again, I will skip the details of the development of this trauma, but my shame had to do with the fear of being seen as a stereotypical Russian. The character was born as an MC for a party.

My co-MC and I had not done much preparation, but we had a general sense of how the characters would act and what personalities they had. All interactions were improvised, though.

My character was Natasha from Russia, and she was running a secret brothel with her business partner, Svetlana. Natasha and Svetlana were welcoming everybody who arrived at the party and giving them tips for having fun. Already there, I realized how easy it was for me to have loads of fun making inappropriate and witty jokes, playing with words, and letting my inner comedian shine. As I described earlier, my inner comedian is mostly known to those who are very, very close to me—so very few people. Suddenly, though, as a character, I could really tap into this aspect of myself without restraint.

The whole night consisted of experiencing an immense amount of satisfaction from making jokes and really milking situations, taking them to an absurd level. I felt so much confidence in my entertaining abilities, but most of all, I was enjoying myself to the fullest. All I did was make myself laugh and do things I found funny—and, luckily for me, others were also thoroughly entertained.

All these experiences have given me a lot and have helped me heal layers of my own insecurities, shame, fear and guilt. These were not actually the first times I engaged in character work; I had done it earlier as part of developing shadow work methods. This is definitely something I will one day bring as a service to people because there is so much that can be done with this type of work.

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The shadow represents any part of something that remains outside the light of awareness. When applied to humans, the shadow consists of aspects of ourselves that we have not yet acknowledged. It encompasses the unknown and unseen within us. Shadow work is the practice of bringing these unconscious aspects into awareness and embracing what was previously deemed unacceptable. This process fosters integration, ultimately leading to heightened self-awareness and wholeness.

The term “shadow” was coined by psychologist Carl Jung, who believed that the shadow is an important part of the psyche that contains our repressed or unconscious desires, impulses, and traits that we may deem as unacceptable or negative. When we deny or suppress these parts of ourselves, they can manifest in negative ways, causing us to feel triggered, stuck, unfulfilled, or disconnected from ourselves and others.

Unfortunately, many people associate shadow work with darkness and negativity. Some believe that engaging in shadow work means dwelling on suffering or attracting more negativity. Yet the outcome is the exact opposite, even though, yes, the first step is becoming aware of the painful aspects. But shadow work is not about wallowing in despair. It’s about recognising, understanding, and transforming hidden aspects of the self and freeing ourselves of their shackles.

Shadow work involves bringing unconscious aspects of ourselves into our conscious awareness, and working to integrate and heal them. This can involve many techniques, including journaling, mindfulness, meditation, therapy, or self-reflection. By embracing and integrating our shadow, we can become more whole and authentic, become aware of our talents and strengths, understand our “mission” in life, and better able to relate to others with empathy and understanding.

The shadow is not just a place of darkness- it holds many hidden treasures. People might assume that what is suppressed is solely negative, but positive qualities often get buried too. A child with musical talent, for instance, might suppress their creativity if raised in a family that prioritises hard manual labor. Shadow work can lead to the rediscovery of such a suppressed aspect and lead the person back to a talent they had no clue they had.

Another powerful effect of shadow work is the restoration of the authentic self. Throughout our life, social conditioning and personal traumas, we are caused to fragment themselves, suppressing traits that might make us vulnerable or unaccepted. The personality we present to the world often consists of the traits that were deemed acceptable in our environment, rather than our true selves. We may have become people pleasers, putting our needs to the back burner or a bully who needs to protect their vulnerable sensitive heart. By engaging in shadow work, we uncover our true nature, making it possible to live authentically and in alignment with our deepest truths.

Shadow work also facilitates breaking free from repetitive patterns. People often find themselves trapped in cycles of dysfunction, whether in relationships, habits, or belief systems. Many of these patterns persist because they operate at an unconscious level. By bringing them into awareness, shadow work allows you to consciously break these cycles and choose new, healthier ways of living.

There are so many benefits to doing shadow work that I have already mentioned and those I can’t even think of now. I’ve been consciously engaging in shadow work now for 16 years and even though I’ve had my fair share of moments thinking: “Why the hell did I ever start with this!!!!” I would never go back and I am still a big fan of doing shadow work. Seeing the way our society operates and darkens, because shadow work is not part of an everyday emotional and mental hygiene regiment for all people, is a huge motivation for me to continue on this path.

More benefits of doing shadow work:

1. Increased Self-Awareness - Reveals hidden aspects of yourself and brings unconscious beliefs into awareness.

2. Empowerment - Puts you in a position of free will and conscious choice.

3. Breaking Negative Patterns - Helps dismantle harmful cycles and intergenerational patterns.

4. Rediscovering Suppressed Talents - Brings buried strengths and passions to the surface.

5. Authenticity - Encourages self-acceptance and alignment with your true self.

6. Healing Trauma - Resolves unresolved emotional wounds.

7. Emotional Maturity - Reduces triggers and increases emotional intelligence.

8. Improved Relationships - Creates healthier and more conscious connections.

9. Mental, Emotional, and Physical Well-being - Reduces stress and fosters holistic health.

10. Enhanced Creativity - Unblocks creative potential and self-expression.

11. Spiritual Growth - Leads to deeper self-awareness and enlightenment.

12. Greater Manifestation Power - Aligns subconscious beliefs with conscious intentions.

13. Freedom from Victimhood - Provides clarity on why things happen and how to change them.

14. Inner Peace - Integrates fragmented aspects of the self, leading to balance and harmony.

Shadow work is a challenging but rewarding process, and it requires a willingness to confront and work through uncomfortable or painful emotions and memories.

Some of the ways you can do shadow work are:

The Work by Byron Katie is a self-inquiry method that helps individuals question and examine their thoughts and beliefs in order to reduce stress and suffering. Here are the basic steps to do The Work:

1.Identify a thought or belief that is causing you stress or discomfort. Write it down.
2. Ask yourself four questions about the thought or belief:

a. Is it true?
b. Can you absolutely know it’s true?
c. How do you react, what happens when you believe that thought?
d. Who would you be without that thought?

3. Turn the thought around. Find at least three examples of how the opposite of the thought might be as true or truer than the original thought.
4. Consider if the turnarounds are as true or truer than the original thought.

The above steps can be used to work through any thought or belief that is causing you stress or suffering. The Work can be done on your own or with a facilitator, and it is recommended that you start with simple, surface-level thoughts and work up to deeper, more complex beliefs as you become more comfortable with the process.

Gabor Maté’s Compassionate Inquiry is a therapeutic approach that helps individuals uncover and understand the unconscious beliefs, emotions, and traumas that shape their behaviour and perceptions. Through deep, compassionate exploration, it encourages self-awareness, healing, and transformation by addressing the root causes of suffering rather than just the symptoms. The method fosters a non-judgmental space where people can reconnect with their authentic selves and break free from limiting patterns.

The Completion Process is a therapeutic modality developed by spiritual teacher and author Teal Swan. It is designed to help people work through and heal from emotional traumas, negative belief systems, and repressed emotions that may be impacting their lives in a negative way.

The process involves identifying and acknowledging painful emotions or experiences, and then using various techniques such as visualisation, meditation, and emotional release to work through those feelings and move towards a place of healing and wholeness. The goal of the Completion Process is to help individuals integrate past traumas and emotions into their present sense of self, so that they can live more fully and authentically in the present moment.

Parts work is a therapeutic technique that involves identifying and working with different parts of yourself that may have conflicting beliefs, desires, or emotions. There are also many methods for doing that, but here are some basic steps to do parts work:

1. Identify the parts: Start by identifying the different parts of yourself that may be in conflict or that you want to work with. You may have a part of yourself that wants to achieve success, and another part that is afraid of failure, for example.

2. Name the parts: You can give each part a name that represents its unique personality or function. For example, you might name your success-oriented part “Achiever” and your fear of failure part “Worrier.”

3. Dialogue with the parts: Start a dialogue with each part, asking them what they want, what they are afraid of, and what they need. Listen to each part with compassion and curiosity, without judgment.

4. Find common ground: Look for areas of agreement or common ground between the parts. For example, both Achiever and Worrier might want to feel successful and avoid failure.

5. Address conflicts: If there are areas of conflict between the parts, work to find a resolution that satisfies both parts. This might involve coming up with a new solution that meets both parts’ needs.

6. Integration: Work to integrate the different parts of yourself, so that they can work together in harmony. This might involve finding ways to acknowledge and honor each part’s unique perspective and contribution, while also finding a way to align them towards a shared goal.

Parts work can be done on your own or with the help of a therapist or coach. It can be a powerful tool for understanding and reconciling conflicting parts of yourself, and finding greater inner harmony and wholeness.

Other ways of making the unconscious conscious:

1. Journaling: Writing down your thoughts and emotions can help you uncover and explore your unconscious beliefs and desires.

2. Mindfulness Meditation: Practicing mindfulness can help you become more aware of your thoughts and emotions, and develop the ability to observe them without judgment.

3. Inner Child Work: Reconnecting with your inner child can help you heal from childhood traumas and develop a deeper sense of self-compassion.

4. Dream Work: Exploring your dreams can reveal important insights about your unconscious mind.

5. Therapy: Working with a therapist can provide a safe and supportive space for exploring and healing from your past wounds.

6. Art Therapy: Using art to express your emotions and thoughts can help you tap into your unconscious mind and uncover hidden aspects of yourself.

7. Body Work: Paying attention to physical sensations and working with the body can help you connect with and release stored emotions and traumas.

8. Role-playing: Acting out different parts of yourself or scenarios can help you explore and integrate different aspects of your personality.

A few other practises I like doing when they seem to be the right tool:

One hundred list - to release resistance to something I’m afraid of happening or feel I don’t want to happen I do a “one hundred list” which is basically a list of good things to wait for if this feared or unwanted thing became true. For example if I’m afraid of what will happen if I loose all my money and am left penniless I could start my list with: 1. I would become very creative with getting my needs met, 2. I could couchsurf and travel, meet new people and see new places, 3. rock bottom is a solid place to start rebuilding ones life from, 4. I could learn about the generosity of people and experience a state of deep gratitude…. etc etc. At the end of this process I always feel a lot of relief and the thing that intimidated me look more like an opportunity than something to fear.

Why would it be so bad? - This is a way to get to the bottom of what am I really trying to avoid, so that I can work with the root of the problem, not the symptom. For example if I have a though or a belief that “I should always go out dressed nicely” and I get very stressed when I need to go somewhere and I don’t have anything nice to wear, this is how I’d work with that in an internal dialog:

Q: what would be so bad if I went not dressed nicely?
A: people will look at me and think I’m scrappy
Q: why is it so bad if people think you are scrappy?
A: they will be offput by me
Q: why is it so bad if people are offput by you?
A: no one will want to connect with me
Q: why is it so bad that no one will want to connect with you?
A: life without connection is not worth living, is it..

So, in this way I arrived at a fact that not going out dressed nicely is actually tied to my fear of losing connection, thus being alone in a world where I couldn’t survive on my own. One might assume that the initial statement is a silly thought or belief to hold, but when I get to the bottom of the issue, it is a symptom of a very deep fear of mine that can not be overlooked.

Family patterns analysis - writing down as many patterns as come to my mind that I have seen in my family between all different members. This also illuminates the ways in which I consciously or unconsciously navigate my relationships in life. I like looking at family patters and seeing where I have been recreating them with my partners, friends, colleagues etc.

Constellations - Constellations can be used to explore a wide range of personal and interpersonal issues, including family conflicts, relationship challenges, career decisions, and trauma. It is a holistic approach that seeks to uncover and resolve issues at a deep level, and can often lead to profound insights and transformations.
If you’re creative enough you can practise constellations on your own with your inner parts as a self-guided meditation.

What is the worst case scenario? - when I’m afraid of something it can be quite paralysing and doesn’t allow for forward movement. One practise I do sometimes to get out of that is imagining the absolute worst case scenario and playing it through detail by detail. When I do that with enough presence I always arrive at the positives of it. And what is even more helpful, I arrive at all the things I can do along the way. It gives me control over what I’m afraid of. It isn’t something terrible looming in the distance that I have no idea how to confront or solve. It becomes something I’m familiar with and with that it becomes a lot less scary. It may still be very unpleasant, but don’t feel powerless to it anymore.

In conclusion, there are a million other ways of doing shadow work and everyone can find the best tools and methods that suit them. What is not optional is the doing of the shadow work itself. That is because experiences and relationships we have in our lives will always make us more aware of ourselves wether we want it or not. Ours is the choice to do it with more intention and thus create a better life for ourselves and those around us.

If you feel like you’re getting value from the content and would like to support my journey you can make a contribution via buymeacoffee. May your gift come back to you tenfold!

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Over the years, I’ve heard the dreaded sentence: “You’re so selfless” more times than I can count. And my response has always been something along the lines of: “I really hope I’m not.”

The most selfless people I’ve met in my life are often (usually unconsciously) the most egotistical- far from actually being selfless. But that’s how we’ve been conditioned to perceive certain actions. Even worse, we’ve been taught to admire this trait.

I’m not here to introduce some profound new idea. Most of us already know that everything we do is ultimately self-serving in some way. We only engage in actions that we (again, usually unconsciously) believe will benefit us, whether emotionally, mentally, or physically. That’s simply how we’re wired. It is what has kept us alive for however long we have walked this earth.

So why am I even talking about this?

Because even though many of us know that being selfish isn’t inherently bad, our culture still glorifies selflessness- and that’s actually a huge obstacle to living in alignment with our own unique true nature.

So, I’m here to flip the script: let’s celebrate selfishness and bring to light all the benefits of taking care of ourselves.

1. When I take care of my well-being and my needs I fill up my own cup and when my cup is full, it starts overflowing. Now serving the well-being of others and meeting their needs comes naturally to me from a space of abundance. I can now actually give because I have something to give. And when I give from overflow, I am more likely to give without unconsciously keeping a tap on people.

2. If everyone is taking care of themselves it becomes safe to receive. This is because if people are giving to give, without ulterior motives, there is nothing to loose from receiving. And a lot of us are currently going around with a wound called “if I accept something, I HAVE to loose something”. The thing lost is often times a part of ourselves.

3. Selfishness allows us to become more authentic and show the world who we really are. Then, those we are compatible with, can remain in our lives and those, with whom we are not compatible, can find their match elsewhere. Don’t we all wanna live in a world of what you see is what you get?

4. Truly selfish people. I mean actually selfish in a healthy way. Those taking care of their needs without harming or taking from others. These people are usually the best people in the world. They are authentic, they care deeply for others because they care for themselves, they usually give without expecting anything back because they selfishly choose to only give when they feel like it. They are the people who follow through, again cause they take on themselves only what they want, not what they think they should. They are good at meeting other peoples needs since when they choose to do so, they come from the desire to do so.

5. Selfishness allows us to know ourselves better and thus find the ways we can contribute to the world. If we are stuck in a loop of pleasing everyone around us, there is really no time for us to open up the treasure box that lies within us. And so, there is no way we can share all the gifts we hold inside. And that is a big loss for ourselves and the world.

6. Selfish people have more energy because they are working on meeting their needs. Usually, the way we deplete our energy the most is by not tending to our needs and not recognising our boundaries.

7. Selfish people have the best relationships. They are authentic, they work on having their needs met, they have less stress, they do what they want and they give to the world what they have. Obviously this doesn’t grant them a relationship with every single person, like selflessness act might, but those relationships that they do have, are strong, caring and compatible.

8. Selfish people are healthier. Well, again, because their needs are met, their relationships are better and they live with less stress.

9. Selfish people develop appreciation and love towards everyone and everything around them. When we feel good, we wanna do good. That’s just how we work.

10. And since selfish people care about themselves they can’t help but care about their surroundings. You see, because the outside affects us and at one point taking care of ourselves means cleaning the house we live in. Then, there is no way not to care about the environment, animals, people in third world countries, minorities and so on.

With all that said, I strive to be as selfish as possible, because the more selfish I am, the better world I create around me.

I hope I’ve convinced you to do the same. 😉

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